Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
