i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he thought i was a dude.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
