Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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