yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
