I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
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