My sheets look like a crime scene.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
