Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
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