I'm eating all of the evidence.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
