I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
