I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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