I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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