i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
