Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
