I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
