The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
