My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
