After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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