Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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