I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
