i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
