God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
