fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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