guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
