Plan B is the new Plan A
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
sex in a hospital.. check
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
