just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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