Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
