Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You can't motorboat a personality
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
