1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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