I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
