and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
