i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
