the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
