There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
