"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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