if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
this just has baby written all over it
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
