The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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