I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
