i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
