What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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