A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
