Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
