so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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