There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
