Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
All the doctor said was why
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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