Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
