What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
