rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
