He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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