They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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