i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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