Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
