Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
